Rachel

Rachel

                I absolutely hate having to do all our homework on the internet. Not because the internet connection in my apartment sucks. Not because my laptop blew up last semester and I’m using my dad’s ancient, dinosaur of a laptop until I can afford a new one. No I hate it because it feeds the “Rachel” fire. Rachel is the sickness in me that urges wasting time, especially on the internet. You wouldn’t believe how many websites there are devoted to wasting your time. Also, many films are devoted to this same thing. Because of Rachel I’m a procrastinator, a time-waster, and a movie junkie.

                I decided to call her Rachel during high school. One of those high school days my friends were seeing what their names meant on urban dictionary. Since my name’s not a typical one I asked my friends what my average name would be. They decided that I looked like a Rachel so that must be a part of me. Now my sickness had a name.

                Let me summarize the average day for me. I’m doing my homework and as I’m contemplating how I would answer it Rachel starts talking. When does Mockingjay part 2 come out? What movie do we want to watch this weekend? Shut up Rachel. I’m doing my homework. But aren’t you curious about the movie? Just look it up real quick. You’re already at the computer. Okay but I’m just googling it then getting back to work. Okay, now I’ve seen it. Ooh, let’s look at things we want to shop for. No Rachel. I still have to do my homework. Plus, you know our bank account is suffering because the last time you got out of hand.

                Two questions later she’s bothering me again. Let’s look at want we want for Christmas! You know Mom will be asking for a list sooner or later. No, I have to get back to work Rachel. Well what about for our family members? We love our family and want to make them happy. I will look once I get done with this assignment. But that’s going to take forever! Patience is a virtue my dear. I only have three more questions to answer, okay? Just leave me alone for that long.

Did you see the cute boy looking at you? What should we wear to our date this weekend? Rachel! I’ve only done two questions. You didn’t keep our agreement. But you’re so boring Devree! At least listen to some music so that I can quiet myself a bit. Well if that will shut you up I will listen to my iPod. Well it feels wrong to listen to Panic! At The Disco and My Chemical Romance while I’m doing my religion homework. I guess I’ll listen to some instrumentals on YouTube. Ah, Hans Zimmer. Perfect. Now what responsibilities do husbands and wives have in marriage? A husband and wife should…

Is Jennifer Laurence really pregnant? Because Mom said she was. That would be really sad because she’s not married and we love... Rachel, I beg you. Please let me get one assignment done. Just stay quiet that long. Will you do that for me?  Fine. But you should hurry up so we can watch Bones on Netflix. We have way too much to do to spend time that way. You realize we’re failing two classes, right? Okay, okay. I get it.

She’s the worst when I’m working. I work in the library and at the east wing and third floor they have you check databases and research guides to make sure the links are working. This is so boring Devree!!! Let’s look at funny memes about babies. No, this is my job. I’m getting paid for this hour of checking links. Ugh, this is really boring. That’s right. And no one is watching. Just open another tab. Maybe for a second…Yes! Yes. Yes…No. We’ll wait until we’ve been here for a full hour and if the next person is slow replacing me we’ll do it. Uuuuugh. Groan. Did you not hear me? This is my disgust tone.  Quiet, I’m working. You’re hopeless.

Okay Rachel. I have a compromise for us. Since homework and spiritual things are more pertinent to our salvation I will work on that for twenty minutes straight then take five minute breaks between each twenty minute section to do something fun and amusing. And then after my assignment is completed I’ll take a fifteen minute break. What do you say? Well, I suppose that will work… And I’m not supposed to pipe up at all during your twenty minute segments? That’s the plan. I know it will take you some practice but I know you can do it. Do we have a deal? Deal. But… Rachel!